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Background information from Evert van den Akker.

What has helped me so far.

To understand others is knowledge; to understand yourself is enlightenment. This saying belongs to Lao Tse and I believe suits me best. Honestly, this is a process that has been going on all my life and will continue to do so. Step by step, I am learning to use my (street) fighter mentality differently. This has taken a while, but I continue to find out that I am allowed to be as I am. I don't have to lie awake anymore because of what I've done, but sometimes nowadays, I can lie awake because of what I'm going to do. In writing this, I am trying to indicate the way in which I have received support in my process of self-esteem.
Ever since I was young, I have had dear family and friends surrounding me. In my journey for survival, because that is how I experienced the first 25 years of my life, I have not always been able to appreciate this. Loss, sadness, and disappointment played a bigger role in my life than joy and blossoming. I was a fighter, a street fighter. When I believed in something, I went into it like a terrier. With all the damage that came with it.
My work in the group and getting to know a friend (who would later become the mother of our children) brought about a positive change. Still, the way others looked at me was important. My dependency on this continued to play a role, I realize with hindsight. I was dependent on what others thought of me because I had little self-confidence.
There have been two moments in my life when I have felt enormously powerless. The first moment was in 1986 when my father died in my arms. Mind and feeling are two different phenomena; I understood that you will lose your parents at some point, but it still hurts. It was very valuable to share this moment with my brother and sister, however, powerlessness dominated because a certainty no longer existed for me.
The second moment was 15 years later when my wife declared that she was going to divorce me; another certainty that vanished. With professional support, I was able to put energy into building my "new" life.
It has helped me enormously that before, during, and after the divorce, there was little to no quarrel between us. Everything we did was based on love, respect, and trust. To this day, this is still the case and I am grateful for this. The most important thing I learned is that I am responsible for my own behavior and the choices I make. Whatever the other person does or whichever choice he or she makes, it's about how I deal with it.
The next 25 years of my life were still about survival, but also about building and developing. Again with a nice family and dear friends around me. The next moment I needed professional help was when I got "Empty Dishwasher Syndrome" (empty nest syndrome). When I was sixty years old, the last one of my kids living at home went on to live on their own. Before that, it took me two days to fill the dishwasher, whereas now, it took me two weeks. In the period before that my (street) fighter mentality came in handy, because, at times, it was a survival trip. Family, work, sports, and the occasional feeling of guilt were the things I was doing during that period. And now everything in me said: watch your step.
It's fine how I've made an effort the last few years, but now I don't have to. Space to breathe, but also, space to allow emotional moments that had taken place in my life in the last few years. Finally, I could reflect on the death of my second mother (last parent) and the birth of my first grandchild. But also, looking back on an intensive period in which I worked hard to offer myself and the children a future. Together with their mother I think we have succeeded in this. Three dear children, grandchildren, a proud grandmother and grandfather are the result of this.
I realized that two big changes were coming. My retirement was within sight and the urge to move started growing. A year before my retirement, I took an important step to move to Kampen. My children, besides the youngest, and grandchildren now live nearby and in addition to the familiar things like family, friends, basketball and Finland, I have taken up my old profession as a residential counselor again.
I will always be a street fighter, that’s the nature of the beast. Only now, I'm no longer fighting to survive or to live up to myself, but fighting to be a valuable (fellow) human being that, not only I but also others, can enjoy. People who know me better sometimes say to each other: "When you get through the first few weeks with Evert, it's okay, after that, you'll have a good guy on him". Too bad about those first few weeks, but better like this than the other way around.

By looking back, I learn to appreciate myself more.
On the page 'other > how I look at things' there are practical things that have helped me. These are marked with a *.

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